|
|
|
|
|
| SFReader Forums > Writing > Small Press vs. Big House > Looking for direction Large Pub or Small? | Forum Quick Jump
|
 | 
crystalwizard
Forum Moderator
      
Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 4990
| Posted 6/11/2008 8:12 PM (GMT -5) |   | | | |
|
Jordan Lapp
Top 5 Poster
Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2794
| Posted 6/11/2008 8:02 PM (GMT -5) | | | | |
|
Daniel Leigh Carter
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 29
| Posted 6/11/2008 7:53 PM (GMT -5) | | | I wanted to say thank you to all the folks in this forum who have given their opinions and remarks of encouragement/direction. I am pleased to say that I have been picked up by a small Christian publisher called Capstone Fiction. I'm excited to see what is going to happen with The Unwanted. Thanks again! | | Back to Top | | |
|
BarbT
Acolyte
Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 392
| Posted 1/19/2008 4:49 PM (GMT -5) | |
To answer your questions. > >
Five genetically created children that were meant only to be experiments and discarded grow up to be the only one's capable of stopping their creator from killing millions. > >
Sincerely, > >
DLC > >
I like that as a synopsis! You could add a little about the foster mother and the FBI, but you've got my interest with just that one sentence.
-Barb | | Back to Top | | |
|
Ana the Druidess
Stablehand
Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 7
| Posted 1/15/2008 12:20 AM (GMT -5) | | genetically "enhanced" is stronger. "Altered" conjures different images maybe without the connotions that involve curiosity for the hook. Enhanced - worth saving? what can they do? how will they alter the world? Will they alter the world? Why save them? will Janet win, will their creator win?
"Janet is just as determined to save a group of specially enhanced children from their creator as he is to destroy the only beings that can challenge his supremacy over man."
Not perfect but getting there me thinks! | | Back to Top | | |
|
Rob Mancebo
Adept
Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 942
| Posted 10/6/2007 10:41 PM (GMT -5) | |
Daniel Leigh Carter said...
Ultimately it will be my decision and I will have to live with that. I do like what you are saying about cutting out the unnecessary content. It's good advice. As a fairly new writer to novels I have found the need to explain too much too early. That's one of the main reasons I had to rewrite my story twice. " width="15" height="15" src="/emoticons/tongue.gif" border="0"  >
" width="15" height="15" src="/emoticons/tongue.gif" border="0" > Again I truly appreciate the constructive criticism. - Yep,
If you're writing, at least make yourself happy. Hopefully others will like it too. That's about the best any of us can do.
Best of luck, Rob
| | Back to Top | | |
|
Rob Mancebo
Adept
Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 942
| Posted 10/6/2007 8:16 PM (GMT -5) | |
Daniel Leigh Carter said...
OK work in progress. I'm trying some new ideas and thoughts thanks to everyone's input. (Seems this thread is turning into a critique session.)
(40% passive. I tried. lol)
- Daniel,
- It's different, but is it a hook? Remember, you're just trying to grab folks attention, not tell them about the characters or story--you've got an entire book to do that in, right? By using the right language, you should be able to do that cleanly, neatly, clearly and without ever having to 'list' what's inside.
- Cut away all that isn't critical. Children are critical--hits target audience, warns away too-macho folks. But are *five* children critical? No, you'll explain that in the book.
- Hiding- critical/ 'hiding in backwoods'- ummm . . . may catch another section of readers who like backwoods./ 'Her uncle's ranch?' Not critical, explain it in the book.
- Madman- critical. Hits steriotype resonance. Readers will expect a good villan. (But use it only once).
- FBI on the trail of . . . - Secondary story line. You have about five seconds to catch the browser's attention--don't waste it. If you hook them, they'll read all about it in the book.
- 'Years later the children confront the man who created them after being violently abducted.' He created them after being violently abducted? POW! a question. A slight hesitation and you just lost the attention of your reader.
- Millions of lives in the balance-- good, good there's major drama. 'New York City' . . . ummm. . . I hate to say it, but very few people outside of NY would cry too much if it were to be crushed under the weight of its own ego. Most of the US would just like to see Godzilla stomp on through there. (We'd rocket the bejeebers out of the monster later . . . sorry NY). So you just got a big 'who cares' from all those readers who hate NY. They would care if they read your book though, it would be more personal, but right now they're just looking for something to read.
- 'Decisions and sacrifices are made' this goes without saying. It's drama, right?
- Imagine you're a reader walking by 600 books, you pick up several and read the blurb on the cover. Someone glances at your book, you have six seconds to sell it to them before they move onto another book. This is what they read: Ready--set--go!
Saving the lives of five genetically altered infants, Janet hides in the backwoods of her uncle’s ranch from the madman responsible for creating them. The FBI simultaneously is on the trail of this madman who is wanted for mass murders across the country.Years later the children confront the man who created them after being violently abducted. With the fate of millions of lives in the balance the five children must use their gifts to rescue their family, fight off a genetically altered creature while disarming an attack on New York City. Decisions and sacrifices are made, which change this family’s future forever.
In their other hand is a book that says:
Blood stains the snow on the Russian/German border. Three men race against time to unravel a frozen web of intrigue and trechery that stretches from the cold war back to the chill of Nazi germany.
- Which book would you buy? Which book will they buy?
- Don't tell the story; hook them!
Good hunting, Rob
| | Back to Top | | |
|
Daniel Leigh Carter
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 29
| Posted 10/6/2007 6:52 PM (GMT -5) | | | OK work in progress. I'm trying some new ideas and thoughts thanks to everyone's input. (Seems this thread is turning into a critique session.)
Alternate Synopsis
Saving the lives of five genetically altered infants, Janet hides in the backwoods of her uncle’s ranch from the madman responsible for creating them. The FBI simultaneously is on the trail of this madman who is wanted for mass murders across the country.
Years later the children confront the man who created them after being violently abducted. With the fate of millions of lives in the balance the five children must use their gifts to rescue their family, fight off a genetically altered creature while disarming an attack on New York City. Decisions and sacrifices are made, which change this family’s future forever.
(40% passive. I tried. lol)
| | Back to Top | | |
|
Rob Mancebo
Adept
Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 942
| Posted 10/6/2007 6:03 PM (GMT -5) | |
Daniel Leigh Carter said...
This is all subject to preference and perhaps your way would be a better choice for some agents or publishers but ultimately I had to decide which way seemed to be getting me the most interest. Earlier drafts were only 23% passive but again I really think it depends on preference. I could be wrong, I am a fairly new writer.
- As a new writer, listen to what everyone says very carefully, apply logic, see it from all angles . . . then do whatever you want. You'll never please everyone so you should, at least, please yourself.
- That said . . . sorry to muddy the waters further . . . understanding that your blurb is just to 'hook' not to really explain the story. You might want to try something like this:
Although the FBI hid Janet Xxxxx in the backwoods of Oklahoma with five genetically created infants, she knew it was only a matter of time before the madman who created them would track them down.
When he did, five specially gifted children would be thrust into a battle against the genetically-altered beasts of a heartless mass murderer to determine the fate of their small family and millions of innocents throughout the world.
Or something along that line. Less info, more desperation.
Best of luck.
Rob
Adventure-History-Fantasy-Folklore www.geocities.com/robmancebo/
| | Back to Top | | |
|
Daniel Leigh Carter
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 29
| Posted 10/3/2007 9:32 PM (GMT -5) | |
Jordan Lapp said...I'm certainly no expert, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I'm just one guy. The first sentence is still passive : "Five genetically created infants are rescued from being murdered by their own creator’s hands" The second sentence is also passive. The third sentence is also passive. The last sentence is passive. This is a great article explaining about the difference between active voice and passive voice that even old pros might enjoy: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/active-voice-versus-passive-voice.aspx I ran your query through MS Word with "Check for Style" turned on, and it claimes that 40% of your sentences are passive (though I think it's higher than that). That number should be more like 2%.
I see what you are saying and my synopsis is actually 80% passive according to Microsoft. My first few drafts of the synopsis were aggressive using Janet the mother character as the 'Subject' and I received almost no interested agents or publishers. This was a conscience decision to go the current route. It has elicited (this one was for you Lyn. I had to use it again correctly. At least I hope I did) a lot more interest and replies. This is all subject to preference and perhaps your way would be a better choice for some agents or publishers but ultimately I had to decide which way seemed to be getting me the most interest. Earlier drafts were only 23% passive but again I really think it depends on preference. I could be wrong, I am a fairly new writer.
| | Back to Top | | |
|
Daniel Leigh Carter
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 29
| Posted 10/3/2007 5:55 PM (GMT -5) | |
Jordan Lapp said...For me, as an editor (or presumably a literary agent), I would be suspicious at the passivity of this synopsis. "Five unwanted infants have been saved from murder. " This passive sentence leads your synopsis off. Perhaps something active might work better? All in all, a fine synopsis, but might help us if you let us know to whom you are targetting this novel. Children? Young Adult? Adult?
It seems that others are in agreement with you about the vague beginning and I would have to agree. To answer your question I was shooting for an audience of young adult to adult. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Always appreciated.
OK For all of you who have graciously taken the time to give your feedback on my synopsis I will lay my heart on the table once again to get your generous input.
Synopsis
Five genetically created infants are rescued from being murdered by their own creator’s hands. Their newfound surrogate mother Janet is forced to hide them in the backwoods of Oklahoma while the FBI search for this madman who is responsible for multiple mass murders.>> After the children have grown the family is forced to confront the man who is responsible for creating them. It is up to these five unwanted children to use all of their abilities and gifts to rescue their family, fight genetically altered creatures while at the same time neutralize a threat that may take the lives of millions of people. Sacrifices and decisions must be made that will change this family’s future forever. | | Back to Top | | |
|
Daniel Leigh Carter
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 29
| Posted 10/2/2007 6:29 PM (GMT -5) | | |
"Okay, honest feedback? I won't bruise you, lol, but if I were to pick up a book with this on the back, I still wouldn't know what it's about...">>
Lyn>>
>>
>>
I find that most writers are a bit sensitive about their work but the one's that are successful are those that take criticism as possible ideas and direction. I appreciate you taking the time to read and dissect it like you did. All of your questions are valid one's but let me give you a little of what I have been noticing with my query letters. >>
1. Most agents and publishers don't want to read a long-winded synopsis the first time that they are being contacted. >>
2. On previous queries I have attempted to give more specific information and got almost no one willing to take a further look. (Granted that may be in part to how I wrote the synopsis but I've gotten much more interest with this query letter than any of my previous.)>>
3. If the agent or publisher wants more specifics they will ask me for them.>>
| |
| | |