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| SFReader Forums > SFReader > Ask The Expert > help!!! | Forum Quick Jump
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M. A. Shah
Stablehand
      
Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 49
| Posted 12/11/2007 6:09 AM (GMT -5) |   | | I would really appreciate some help here.Instant please.
I am writing a new story in which I have to use a lot of expressions like the few I've given below.
Can anyone please tell me how to punctuate them correctly and if i should even use such expressions or not.
There was no sound; complete silence,....
[here complete silence is just an assertion, how to put it? and does it look right?]
"From the pit of this silence, a scream; a hair-raising scream; a heart-numbing scream; a blood-curdling scream, and with it the end of a life; a human life."
>[How to punctuate it?]>
In front of rows and rows of thousands of the Muslim army, a single man, about to conquer the Indian Subcontinent again. The shimmer of the blazing sun on the curved blade of his sword, clearly visible through the clouds of dust that surrounded him.
[ Ms word gives the second sentence as a fragment???
I mean if I write, "The shimmer of ..., was clearly visible...." , it would look really dumb would'nt it although grammatically correct.]
"The two armies came to a halt, five hundred paces from each other: the contrasting black.... " How do I join these sentences.
Hoping to see some replies soon...
Ranks broken, hearts perplexed, no feeling deeper than skin. | | Back to Top | | |
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H.P. Lovesauce
Necronomicondiment
Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 585
| Posted 12/11/2007 9:31 AM (GMT -5) | | Hi M.A., I'd like to give some concrete help, but I'm not sure I understand what precisely you're trying to find out.
This isn't a good board for "instant" answers. But give the bulk of members time to wake up, and you'll get some well-considered answers over the course of the day. :) | | Back to Top | | |
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Hermit
Diavhrati Luminary
Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1729
| Posted 12/11/2007 11:29 AM (GMT -5) | |
M. A. Shah said...
[your samples pasted in as white, so they're invisible to the rest of us; I cleverly highlighted to see if this were the case . . .]
There was no sound; complete silence,.... I'm going for S&W's strength in brevity: Complete silence. (Depending on the context, the grammaticallity is less important than the power of the prose.) But, as you write it, I still prefer to shut off the sound: "There was no sound. Complete silence." or "There was no further sound." A lot depends on the context. What the rest of the paragraph, and possibly those preceding and succeeding, hold may prove more important than the simple assertions of silence here.
[here complete silence is just an assertion, how to put it? and does it look right?]
"From the pit of this silence, a scream; a hair-raising scream; a heart-numbing scream; a blood-curdling scream, and with it the end of a life; a human life."
>[How to punctuate it?] >You'll get varying opinions on this for certain. I say short sentences to build suspense and drive the nail home: "From this silence [em-dash] a heart-numbing scream. Blood-curdling. A final shriek. End of a life. Human. No more."
In front of rows and rows of thousands of the Muslim army, a single man, about to conquer the Indian Subcontinent again. The shimmer of the blazing sun on the curved blade of his sword, clearly visible through the clouds of dust that surrounded him. This seems awkward to me, especially the opening clause. It seems overblown or redundant. And a bit archaically phrased. It also emphasizes the wrong thing. Whatever is in front and at the end are the most emphasized. Do you want the emphasis on the spawling army, or on the single figure? And why does he have a sword instead of a scimitar? (There are definitely reasons and justifications; I'm merely asking the question because my first impulse is to 'see' him with a scimitar instead of a sword.)
[ Ms word gives the second sentence as a fragment??? Use Word with caution; it wants perfect grammar. Perfect grammar is never perfect writing in genre writing, and very seldom anywhere else. What Word doesn't understand is anything that is assumed or implied as a verb or subject. "Screw you." doesn't look like a complete sentence to Word because the verb screw registers as a noun and the implied "I'm telling you to" is completely unaccounted for.
I mean if I write, "The shimmer of ..., was clearly visible...." , it would look really dumb would'nt it although grammatically correct.]
"The two armies came to a halt, five hundred paces from each other: the contrasting black.... " How do I join these sentences. Here's where you use the semicolon.
Hoping to see some replies soon...
Hope that helps. Write well. 
Literarily speaking: More prolific than sin!
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crystalwizard
Forum Moderator
Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 5004
| Posted 12/11/2007 11:34 AM (GMT -5) | | | | |
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Keralen
Adept
Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 555
| Posted 12/11/2007 7:23 PM (GMT -5) | |
M. A. Shah said...
I would really appreciate some help here.Instant please.
I am writing a new story in which I have to use a lot of expressions like the few I've given below.
Can anyone please tell me how to punctuate them correctly and if i should even use such expressions or not.
There was no sound; complete silence,....
[here complete silence is just an assertion, how to put it? and does it look right?]
"From the pit of this silence, a scream; a hair-raising scream; a heart-numbing scream; a blood-curdling scream, and with it the end of a life; a human life."
>[How to punctuate it?] >
I'd do "There was no sound. Complete silence. Then from the pit of this silence, a scream: hair-raising, heart-numbing, blood-curdling. The end of a human life." Although the three adjectives are kinda conventional for this very poetic approach of yours.
Then,
In front of rows and rows of thousands of the Muslim army, a single man, about to conquer the Indian Subcontinent again. The shimmer of the blazing sun on the curved blade of his sword, clearly visible through the clouds of dust that surrounded him.
[ Ms word gives the second sentence as a fragment???
That's because it is. A verb would be good. Maybe "The sun shimmered off the blade of his sword, blazing through the clouds..." or "The blazing sun flashed along the blade in a flare that cut through the clouds..." You see what I mean. Nice image, BTW.
"The two armies came to a halt, five hundred paces from each other: the contrasting black.... " How do I join these sentences.
"The two armies came to a halt, five hundred paces from each other: the contrasting black.... " How do I join these sentences.
Do you have to? A semi would work but it could add up to a long sentence. If you're doing a battle scene it might be time to use quicker and less poetic language, to keep up the pace.
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ScrewMoonshine
Adept
Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 871
| Posted 12/11/2007 7:33 PM (GMT -5) | | M. A. Shah said...
In front of rows and rows of thousands of the Muslim army, a single man, about to conquer the Indian Subcontinent again. The shimmer of the blazing sun on the curved blade of his sword, clearly visible through the clouds of dust that surrounded him.
[ Ms word gives the second sentence as a fragment??? I mean if I write, "The shimmer of ..., was clearly visible...." , it would look really dumb wouldn't it although grammatically correct.]
Actually, I don't understand why you would want to write that sentence any other way, except that you should lose the comma. Like so: "The shimmer of the blazing sun on the curved blade of his sword was clearly visible through the clouds of dust that surrounded him."
I'm probably stating the obvious here, but both of those sentences are subject with no predicate. This technique of having several subject-only sentences in a row is best used, I believe, for particularly dramatic moments. I'd have to see the whole story to be sure, but it doesn't sound like that's what this is.
Robert Orme
Out now:
"Time in a Capsule" in Unparalleled Journeys II (www.journeybookspublishing.com/)
"On the Tree Top" in Ultraverse vol.3 #5 (www.ultraverse.us)
"The Scab, the Man, and the I.V." in Mount Zion Speculative Fiction Review #3 (www.mountzionpress.com)
Coming soon:
"Replacing Someone" in Aoife's Kiss #26, September 2008 (http://samsdotpublishing.com/aoife/main.htm)
"More Than One Way to Protect" in Lords of Justice (www.carnifexpress.net/blogs/) | | Back to Top | | |
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tchernabyelo
Acolyte
Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 457
| Posted 12/12/2007 7:25 AM (GMT -5) | | Technically, without verbs, they're not sentences, they're fragments, and are gramatically "incorrect". But there is nothing wrong with using fragments so long as you know why you are "breaking the rules". Many people break the rules without knowing they are doing it. In general, these writers fail. Some know they are doing it - they may have seen the technique used in published works - but they copy it without understanding when and where and why it works, and when and where and why it doesn't.
To some extent, whether those sentences/fragments need verbs or not will depend on context. And will depend on POV. It's very hard to say whether or not a sentence is "right" without seeing where it lives.
Brian Dolton
Yi Qin stories:
"The Box Of Beautiful Things" - IGMS#3
"The Man Who Was Never Afraid" - Abyss and Apex #20
"Where No Wind Blows" - Staffs & Starships #2 (forthcoming)
"What The Sea Refuses" - Black Gate (forthcoming)
"At Blue Crane Falls" - Abyss and Apex (forthcoming)
"What The Heart Bears" - Black Gate (forthcoming)
Other Land Of Wind And Ghosts stories:
"The Dragon Path" - Fictitious Force (forthcoming)
"Three Out Of Four" - Sorcerous Signals (forthcoming)
Stories in other settings:
"The Unicorn Hunter" - OG's Speculative Fiction #8
"When Winter Came" - ASIM#32 (forthcoming)
"Cold Fire" - Flashing Swords (forthcoming)
"Call Centre" - Necrotic Tissue (forthcoming) | | Back to Top | | |
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M. A. Shah
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 49
| Posted 12/12/2007 1:59 PM (GMT -5) | | |
I am sorry my examples dropped out. Actually I was using the black theme for the website and they were clearly visible to me.
Anyway, sorry.
Thanks for all the great advice. And this was quick enough for me.
This is how I have redone the story. I hope it isn't terrible.
#####
There was no sound. Complete silence, as if the world had been sucked into a vast vacuum. There was a certain edginess to the silence that gave a feeling of the earth being precariously perched on the edge of a great precipice, about to fall over into nothingness. (is this sentence too long. I am trying to create a sense of peace and move things slowly for the climax.) > >
And then from deep within the pit of this silence, a scream. A hair-raising scream. A heart-numbing scream. A blood-curdling scream. And with it the end of a life; a human life. > >
******************************************
A single man. In front of rows and rows of thousands of the Muslim army. About to conquer the Indian Subcontinent again. The shimmer of the blazing sun on the curved blade of his sword (I dont exactly know what a scimitar is, but i know that Muslims from Afghanistan used curved swords and round sheilds) , clearly visible through the clouds of dust that surrounded him.
The white and black intermingled ( i don't know why i have this overpowering urge of using intermingling here.) into a complex mass. > >
I really don't know how to write conversations. I mean can anybody help!!!! I'd appreciate some help.
Thank you all.
Ranks broken, hearts perplexed, no feeling deeper than skin. | | Back to Top | | |
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MichaelEhart
Sage
Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 2336
| Posted 12/12/2007 2:54 PM (GMT -5) | | M.A. Shah--- don't post your entire story anywhere open like this, unless you don't intend to ever try to sell it. Posting on a public website counts as publication for most markets.
Buy my book!
The Servant of the Manthycore available Nov. 17th from DEP
Illustrated by Rachel Marks, with an introduction by Michael Moorcock
Read me in 2007!
"The View From the Shotglass Floor" Ray Gun Revival, Feb 2007
"Voice of the Spoiler" The Sword Review, June 2007
"Servant of the Manthycore" The Sword Review, July 2007
"Darkling I Listen; and for Many a Time" Fear and Trembling, coming soon!
"Weaving Spiders Come Not Here" The Sword Review, August 2007
"Six Zombies Doing That Mick Jagger Strut" Damned in Dixie, Summer 2007
"Nothing But Our Tears" The Sword Review, September 2007
"Night of Shadows, Night of Knives" Magic and Mechanica, Fall 2007
"The Scarlet Colored Beast" The Sword Review, October 2007
"The Stars by Law, Forbidden" Unparalleled Journeys II, November 2007
"Who Comes for the Mother's Fruit" Every Day Fiction, November 2007
"Stand, Stand, Shall They Cry" Flashing Swords, November 2007
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MichaelEhart
Sage
Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 2336
| Posted 12/12/2007 5:13 PM (GMT -5) | | An exerpt is okay, for most markets at least. But if you want help critting, you should join any number of online crit groups that password-protect your content, and thereby preserve your rights. Critters is a good one to strt with.
Buy my book!
The Servant of the Manthycore available Nov. 17th from DEP
Illustrated by Rachel Marks, with an introduction by Michael Moorcock
Read me in 2007!
"The View From the Shotglass Floor" Ray Gun Revival, Feb 2007
"Voice of the Spoiler" The Sword Review, June 2007
"Servant of the Manthycore" The Sword Review, July 2007
"Darkling I Listen; and for Many a Time" Fear and Trembling, coming soon!
"Weaving Spiders Come Not Here" The Sword Review, August 2007
"Six Zombies Doing That Mick Jagger Strut" Damned in Dixie, Summer 2007
"Nothing But Our Tears" The Sword Review, September 2007
"Night of Shadows, Night of Knives" Magic and Mechanica, Fall 2007
"The Scarlet Colored Beast" The Sword Review, October 2007
"The Stars by Law, Forbidden" Unparalleled Journeys II, November 2007
"Who Comes for the Mother's Fruit" Every Day Fiction, November 2007
"Stand, Stand, Shall They Cry" Flashing Swords, November 2007
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crystalwizard
Forum Moderator
Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 5004
| Posted 12/12/2007 7:43 PM (GMT -5) | | | | |
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Dragon Angel
Lord Dragon
Date Joined Sep 2004
Total Posts : 1066
| Posted 12/12/2007 11:12 PM (GMT -5) | | | | |
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M. A. Shah
Stablehand
Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 49
| Posted 12/13/2007 4:10 PM (GMT -5) | |
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