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<I would really care for some feedback. >
Xsilver,
- Well I had major trouble following this very imaginative piece. There's no description of people and no sense of what's actually going on. I think YOU'VE got a very colorful and interesting idea of a dream-like arena of fantasy, but you're only passing on pieces to the reader. This bogs us down in trying to fill in all the blanks while following the storyline.
I will edit a section for you into more understandable prose. I 've never written a screen play, although I've edited one, so I have no idea of proper format. I'm only looking to clear up clarity and logic here:
As a bird gliding in the air, the ancient Tall City Stronghold, sand dunes, bog pools, megalithic stone patterns, and thatch roofed farms below are moving by. (replace 'are moving' with 'moves'.) Shortly the landscape starts to be damaged as if someone has ridden (replace 'ridden' with 'crashed' or some other words that evokes the damage in the mind of the reader.) through it with a boat and left behind great trenches, dikes, and ditches. At a moment when something like a tail of a dragon is demolishing a small hill with huts and a wooden stronghold, then a blow of fire at the village.
(At a moment when something like a tail of a dragon is demolishing a small hill with huts and a wooden stronghold, then a blow of fire at the village. - As a __________(You don't say what this is) is demolishing a small hill with huts and a wooden stronghold, a blast of fire engulfs the village.)
Pulling back revels(reveals) this reflection coming from a round stone that is hanging on a dirty chest. (Okay, this is a point of confusion. Is what you've described a hint of something in the future or is it, as described, a 'reflection' of something that's happening. What may be obvious in a visual media isn't as obvious when reading.)
It is MAC CUILLAUME, a ten year old boy. He plays with a winged lizard-like frog tadpole (winged lizard-like frog tadpole is just too many descriptive names. Each one has a different form behind it and none of them have an ox body as later described. Trim the names and add to the following description.) who’s(whose) body is like an ox, fore and hind legs like frog’s and the tail like a chain of a long snake, (snakes don't have chains. You might want to use a different descriptor.) letting it climb and wiggle on him. There is something in his hand that the frog wants and he’s trying to keep away from him. Sun rise up in the hills of breath taking landscape. (The sun rises above hills of breathtaking landscape) Light peaceful rustic string and fife MUSIC (Light, peaceful, rustic string and fife MUSIC )in harmony with the TWITTERING birds fills the air.
...
EXT. TALL CITY, CENTER OF THE CITY MARKET - DAY
The King of Aists is most angrily running around town. Orders people to be punished for no reason. Whoever gets on his way, becomes a subject of his rage. (Insert his dialogue here.)
KING ESTMUND
(yelling over town)
My son’s name is Cuillaume, and he will
be great king, of the Aists. Be it
Gwendamort himself, no-one is going
to take my son from me!
EXT. GOLDSPINNERS FOREST – DAY
Cuillaume kicks and flutters, rambles. Quenby tries to wake Cuillaume again, then pulls him on his shoulder, and carries him towards the bridge.
(ouch! You've dropped us into a scene with no description or intro. Flutters indicates blowing in the wind (unless he's a flying creature) rambles can indicate either speech or a meandering direction of travel.
(Revised)-Stretched out upon the sward, Cuillaume twitches and jerks convulsively. He mutters tormentedly., His servent, Quenby, tries to wake Cuillaume (remove 'again' since we haven't seen anything before this.) , then pulls him onto his shoulder, and carries him towards the bridge.
EXT. BATTLEFIELD – DAY
(revised)-The warriors have got the giant net trap over the tremendous frog creature (doesn't this monster have a name we can use?); some are now on his back pulling the ropes tight while the hundred fighters upon the ground start to pull the ropes.
IAN
(to Tall)
Fire-Eater, get a way(away)! He’s going down.
TALL
Get him now! Ian! ...Branden!
19 The mighty army (your described 100 men is hardly a mighty army. You can seat 100 men in an average living room.) pulls it down, it falls, flipping its tail and blowing, bellowing fire. It is still, motionless. The fighters storm it. (revised)- It suddenly lashes out and whirls in the dry sand like a croc killing its pray(prey), crashing (crushing)many, rending others in a blinding wave of stinging sand and slashing teeth.
The lizard slows amid the remains of it's(its) captors; large rocks are falling at him as the men at the catapults have had time to reload. It catches one of the rocks with a loop of its tail, and throws it back.
It smothers at Tall; he can hardly see where the beast is, fighting him with a sword. (? I couldn't understand this one but I'll give it a try: Choking, with dust and smoke from the monster's fiery breath in his eyes, Tall flails blindly about with his sword.
(Revised) The smoke and dust is clearing. Tall is frantically lashing with his sword right in front of the beast’s jaws. The monster throws out its tongue, hitting his feet so he falls on his knees. Tall desperately rams the sword through its tongue and in to(into) the ground. In pain the Frog pulls its tongue back, ripping its tip in two. It bellows in rage and pain. The Frog lashes out with its sharp tail before Tall has time to rise. The warrior's head rolls in the sand. Tall's body is still on its knees, it gropes blindly about until it finds the head and puts it back on. Tall stands up, bloody sword in his right hand, holding his head with his left. He fights the beast for a long moment then throws the sward(sword) into its open mouth. His head drops and his body collapses. The Frog spits the weapon out in a victorious bellowing of fire.
Good luck with your screen play.
Adventure-History-Fantasy-Folklore
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